My posts of late have gone from slim to none...and I apologize to my faithful readers who look to me for some funny anecdote or an inspirational story that is worth their time reading. Truth is, between end of the year activities, changes in Mom's care, some issues with other loved ones, and a complete lack of inspiration due to all I have mentioned, I have stopped pressuring myself and refused to feel guilty for not posting daily as I have in the past. But I miss it.
There are many days that life gets to you, and tried and true ways of relieving stress come to the rescue. Sometimes, though, the rut one is in becomes a real depression....and it takes more than blogging to set my corner of the world right again. There are just times where I realize that these days have all melded into YEARS of caring for Mom and her situation at the nursing home. That is not meant to be read as a complaint, just an observation of the reality. Either way it has become a struggle.
Struggling to get up for school in the morning, struggling to make myself exercise and eat right, struggling to make the world right for students who have found it to be so wrong for them, struggling to be there for others when I feel no one is here for me, compounded by struggling to make myself take that daily walk through fumes from urine and excrement, and face the lined, sad faces of those forgotten by their loved ones. Recently it's all been a struggle.
My woe-is-me, self-pity-party has me realizing I am facing some depression right now and need to step up and out in taking care of MYSELF for a change. This is one of the hardest things a mother and caregiver has to do. We are not wired to put ourselves first or take time from others to fulfill our own needs. BUT, it is much needed. A necessity of life that can, for me, no longer be ignored. Truth is, Mom could live to be 93 as did her own mother. She is now 82. I don't want to look back on the time I had with her and regret NOT seeing her frequently. I also don't want to look back at years of my own life lost to the oblivion of Alzheimer's that Mom is now facing....hers OR mine... should that be my life sentence.
For now, I am praying I reach June 17th with an element of style, compassion for my students, and a few marbles still intact.
I need summer. I have a book to write and a beach to visit.
A warm country hug to all,